Thank you for the replies. Thank you. It's a lot less scary now. I feel as though a part of me must be faulty because I'm NOT willing to try anything to get better. I mean, for example, I could probably try and force myself to believe in a loving creator if I wanted to, and maybe that could help me stay healthy, but then is that also unhealthy? Living in perpetual state of cognitive dissonance? I feel as though I must not want it as much as a "good" and "worthy" person might, because I have a million caveats and a billion worries about everything.
Please excuse my current stream of babble writing style. I'm in a place where my mind is racing, my heart is thumping and I'm question everything down to the neutron. It's an exhausting place to be.