I want to scratch my face off.... I can't sit still. I've gained five pounds and my acne is flaring. 35 days sober and jobless. I am so sad... I just don't want to fight to feel well anymore.... I want to lay in my bed and sob. But my boyfriend is here... I haven't decided if this is a good thing or not.... I hate crying in front of him. I might as well be from a different planet and have 7 eyes and 2 heads. Crying freaks him out and makes me feel weird... Gross almost.
I want to eat until my stomach explodes...
Is it dumb that I wish I was alone so I could f*** up?! I almost hate that people care about me. My mom and brother won't stop calling me. I assumed my mom keeps trying to get me to help her clean her house out of her selfishness... But I think she is just trying to get me to do something with my time. And My brother keeps trying to get me to hang out with him... I think for the same reason.
I love them so much. I wish I was more grateful for them...
I forgot to take my bipolar meds today.... I'm feeling a bit manic and all of my thoughts just feel ill....
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I don't know if I should post this... But that is because part of my better judgement is here, and I understand the wrongness in this way of thinking....
But then perhaps that's why I SHOULD post... And I can look back on my thought process tomorrow. I hope no one can relate to this.... But sure, I'll post it.
