jtinkerton

I started drinking when I was 13 or thereabouts when my parents started having issues. They were never heavy drinkers but it was always available, though I had to be just a little sneaky. By the time I was 16 my mom would buy me beer at the store. Upper middle class family, she was just being "cool" from her point of view.

Anyway, fast forward 30 years and I found myself struggling with job stress, ordering benzos from the internet and it landed me in a recovery center for a week. My wife freaked out. That was 2004. I was sober for maybe 3-4 years, but gradually stopped going to meetings and started back into some OTC things like Nyquil and then finally started going to the package store and now I sneak alcohol at work and at home. Nearly every day, it's probably some 5-6 drinks of either wine or beer, but always on the sly, including in the car, basement, whatever.

My drinking has come habituated with exercise. I can run 3-4 miles most days of the week, but I but provide a "reward" afterwards. So I'm kind of "stuck" in this cycle. I've been to one meeting but probably time to ask for help? I've started seeing some physical symptoms. I notice at night my mouth is SUPER dry, I feel my hands go numb such that it wakes me up slightly, and probably hit the bathroom 2-3 times. I'm not sure what that all relates to, but I'm concerned about the health issues, and feel like in this cycle of addiction and remorse.

Anyway, not sure where to go from here. Probably to a meeting I guess, but I do feel self conscious going back to my local meetings where they'll recognize me and I'll feel ashamed.

Thanks any experience strength or hope,

_jay