Some of you who are familiar with my other post know that my ah is on meth, sometimes doesn't come home for days on end... claiming he is working. He has a business so that is a perfect excuse. I HAD to get this done tonight...blah, blah. There have even been times that he has blamed me for his all night working. Or the failures of the business. "if you would come do this for me or that for me" I wouldn't have to do this. HAH! BTDT and it didn't work. I finally got sick and tired of being around the "shady" creatures that supply his addiction. "no one 'shady' here" he says.... Whatever..
Anyway, after months of no help with the kids, being emotionally disconnected and, in general zero relationship father/or husband I am mad!
Sometimes I want to go out and do something wrong! Be totally irresponsible!!
Why do you get to act this way?! Why do you get to be totally irresponsible? Why do you get to cut us off! What if I told you I was coming home for supper and didn't show up for 3 DAYS!! (not that i want to do that to my kids, they are all i have, I can't imagine ..)
Sometimes I think I should go find someone to have an affair with. (that's really the only thing i can think of to hurt him) JUST TO HURT HIM BACK. Not that I really want to have an affair, I don't. I'm to tired to deal with that.
(and after all I am sure I would never trust any man again)
But then I think... he probably wouldn't even notice...
I just wondered if anyone else feels this way? I realize now that he doesn't know what he does to us... and is blinded... But sometime I want to scream.. HEY I'M HERE! NOTICE ME/US!!
And I know my kids think the same way. Every morning my 7yo ask me very first thing. "did daddy come home last night?" It breaks my heart. And it makes me want to hurt him back! It's killing me, it's killing my kids, and he doesnt even know what he is doing. The last time I told him I was leaving him if he didn't get help, he denied there was even a "problem" So after I thought he cooled off I called him and ask him if WE were not worth fighting for. His response was I don't owe you b**ch. Nice. I had never had him talk to me that way. So I guess that meant his answer was NO. That's when I knew I had to leave...
Sorry, that got off track and this kinda rambled on...