I will be returning home Thursday evening and I am not sure how I feel about it. My sister wanted me to come stay at her ocean front home for a couple of weeks to gain more clarity. I can't, I need to get home. I didn't know I would be gone this long and left many lose ends. To makes matters worse, I broke a molar and need to see my dentist. This was a great get a way but its time for me to return to my real world. I can always go there anytime if I need or want to.
I am kind of surprised because after I booked my ticket, I became pretty anxious. It's not a feeling of dread, just a feeling of anxiety of the unknown.
As some may know, my husband has struggled with staying clean so he got the Vivitrol shot last Friday. He was very sick the first few days but says his mind is clear, no cravings, and feels much better then when he used suboxone. (Just his experience). He says his compulsive thinking is virtually gone.
He is surprisingly very in tune to my feelings. He knows that I have mixed feelings about coming home and am ambivalent about staying together. He sees the shot, along with therapy and NA as a chance to repair and rebuild our marriage. I am not sure that I do.
In some strange way, I feel like I am going home to a stranger and am almost scared I may not like him anymore. I mentioned the possibility of separation for a while so we could both really work on ourselves, he did not like that idea and asked for a month's chance before I made any decisions. I agreed but I am not sure why I did. I haven't been able to process or determine why I said yes. I am sure fear, obligation and guilt played a factor but there is more to it.
In a way, I am simply curious. I am still curious about who he truly is! Prince Charming or a selfish jerk??? I have enough knowledge now to know that drugs are just a symptom. I am almost scared Prince Charming was the one on pills and not the real man. I am strong enough now to know I won't stay if that is the case. So I guess I am wondering...is this a new beginning or the end??? As it is said, more will be revealed!
Please feel free to share any thoughts.
