So, here I am. Its been about a month since my BP and a month ago I thought.. wow life is going to be so much better without alcohol. In some ways it is: no hangovers, no drama, no blackouts, etc... However, now I see there is more to this than being sober. I am an ungrateful alcoholic... not one of those grateful ones.
My AV is being so relentless the last few days. This morning I woke up and thought "I sure hate where I live, I hate the relationship I am in, I hate my apartment and I hate my job. Today when I get off work I am getting wasted..." This was a pre-fully awake thought so I countered it a few seconds later with my BP. Then very loudly was the thought "what the hell are you thinking... there is no "beast in your head" if you believe that then you are compleatly insane. You want a drink because you like drinking and that is that". All day so far that thought has stuck with me. Basically there is a voice in my head loudly saying there is not a voice in my head... ok so now I sound crazy.
This is something I had not expected. I thought I would be proud of myself when I reached a month. Im not. I just feel like "yep I didnt drink for the last month and I am unsure what that proved other than you didn't drink."