Thank you everyone for reading and sharing. He plays his last match this AM before I drive the 7 hours home. My AH has been great with our son lately and for the first time in years since we have been traveling for tournaments, my son asked to call his dad to tell him about his second singles match yesterday. I was shocked. Son and I had spent 4 weeks away over the summer in FL and then Texas for his tennis and not once did my son ask to call dad. So, obviously AH is making an effort and is improving his relationship with his son and that's a good thing.
As for my relationship with AH, that's still at a standstill. I can't seem to conjure up any positive feelings as I try to work through all the past hurt and I'm working hard at not being a martyr or a victim. I'm trying to keep my perspective and see where I may need to change my viewpoints. Maybe I need to go back and work on forgiveness again? It's just so hard when you know they're still drinking and lying about it and when you know they're lying about other stuff and all you really want is honesty. Yet, you know you won't get it because they are sick. I am still working on acceptance of that, but I can't seem to determine if this is something I can live with much longer. The uncertainty of it all makes my head hurt and my heart ache. I know that life is always uncertain, believe me I've seen so much crap in my life that hits you out of the blue, but I want a stable marriage. A place where I can lay my head and know that, at least right there, I am safe. I don't feel safe with AH because of the choices he's made and because of how he treats me at times, and that's really what I need to work on.