The back-and-forth thoughts are so common.....at least it was for me.
When I am feeling that overwhelming urge to call or do something and feeling very ambiguous and emotional about it, it usually means that I am hoping (anticipating-expecting) for the call to work out a certain way. And unfortunately, when dealing with addiction, it usually backfires......and I am left angry and disappointed.
I eventually got to the point that I would not initiate phone calls because they always seemed to turn out bad.....but that was primarily because of my own expectations. My phone call seemed to spur the addicts manipulations into high gear.....he sensed my vunerability and used it to his advantage.
I am so sorry that you are feeling lonely right now......it's so hard to deal with the fallout of addiction.
One of the sayings that helps me has to do with the definition of insanity but worded slightly differently. It applies to everything (I use it in my business as well).
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."
When my hurting heart needs soothing, I try to find alternative ways to sooth it rather than turning to the addict.
You, your children and your husband are in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke