newatthis,
glad you're back!
yes, the layers of deceit. the not knowing if you can trust what you think you know. and the "logic" that tells you it's better to be drinking than to fail at quitting again...oh, that brings back memories. not that it was
"better", but i was so tired of trying and failing, trying, feeling positive, hopeful, confident, and then buying the stuff without apparently having made a clear decision...it was too exhausting. it wasn't "better" to be drinking than failing at quitting, but it was sure a whole lot easier.
and then i did it all again. and again.
what you say about the process-and-learn-from-relapse...sure. i learned that i hadn't quit. couldn't stay quit. drove that home over and over. i think people often think of specific triggers when they talk of learning from relapse, the idea being that if you can identify what "led" to the relapse, you can learn to deal with that particular trigger-thingie.
but i find that short-sighted, and misunderstanding. getting and staying sober isn't about learning how to deal with or avoid triggers; these things help, of course, but they're not the cause. not the cause of drinking or of relapsing.
what you will do with this and yourself...keep us in the loop. stick around, try again.
you can figure some of this out while not drinking. chances are there.
best to you!