H is not in rehab
H is not in rehab. As I went ‘no contact’ I have not known about this. Received news from mutual friend. Things have been told to me about H which make me beyond ‘uncomfortable’. I don’t really feel anything at the moment. Almost like waking up from a bad dream. This is a person I have ‘known’ and loved in various capacities for over 15 years. And now I have that gnawing feeling that perhaps I did not know him at all. H is a ‘high profile’ person in a very small community. A bit like ‘King of the island’. For years I heard what I believe were rumours. I always defended him as I believed he was ‘vulnerable’ to ‘small talk’ as people were jealous of his achievements. So I always walked away from ‘island talk’. Never wanting to ‘hear’. I always believed H. And now I am not so sure. Nothing adds up anymore. And based on his behaviour ‘directed’ at me the past 18 months – I now wonder if all of it is true (all the ‘rumours’) The ‘ugly’ stuff. The dirt which falls between the cracks. It is not a comfortable place to be in. I just keep pushing the thoughts away – to the far recesses of my mind – of my thought process – of my soul. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH!!! There – I have said it!! I have admitted my weakness. It should not matter anymore what the truth is concerning H as he is no longer a part of my life and this is a choice I have made for my own sanity. But not that easy to toss away the past years. I blamed so much of his bad behaviour on addiction. Believe this wonderful person was hiding beneath the scars of addiction – just to emerge like a butterfly from the cocoon – one day. But I know for sure the wings of that butterfly crumbled years ago – and perhaps was never there at all. The work ahead for me – is why did I believe it? Why did I want too? What was in it for me? Why did I carry the lie for so long? I am pretty good at reading people – yet I never ‘read’ the person closest to me. Or perhaps I knew exactly what was going on. The lies. The manipulations. Yet chose to stay. That I find more frightening than his addiction.