Well,
Just to check in…and maybe think out loud…
I get so disappointed cause I’m not who I use to be (LOL)….I don’t help people a lot much anymore…I do at work…with some…I’m not totally self centered…but things are different. Comparing myself to “who I was” isn’t particularly helpful…I think. Its part of my experience that we change constantly…I also find that lack of access to choices (whether due to finances, religion, politics, or a number of other things) is a real truth.
I’m not as kind, I’m not as helpful, but for the most part I don’t get vindictive. I guess it’s just where I am right now. I know that being sober is going to help some of this, but in the end we do change…it’s not actually “bad”.
I’m trying to be supportive of an employee I supervise who has basically become a jerk and over the top not willing to do anything but be angry and resistive. But she is seeking some help and I try to be supportive. I have a lot less options now than I did 3 years ago..Some is due to having drank..but also because that ended up being a huge loss of resources (ok…money LOL).
I always remember the time that I was talking to sober people freaking out about Christmas…and I was poor and I was worrying cause I couldn’t buy a Christmas tree or gifts….money makes a difference. It’s doable, but it’s a set of problems that complicate things. I work daily on my budget and how to be sure I live within my means. And yep…I have a lot more than many many people…it’s pretty silly.
I’m doing ok…I’m not even angry…I’m just trying to adjust and accept that I can’t be who I was…I need to move forward and become who I am today. Working on some dog “issues” (LOL) and staying on my budget work…getting my taxes filed, getting my bankruptcy done and over…and trying to see that I am ok…I’ve got work to do, but I just need to not fall into the despair and disappointment…eat the elephant and keep on moving.
One thing I have to do ….well someone said to me…”what are you doing that fulfills you?” … Answer would be I’m struggling to figure out how to do that….I’m seeking help to find ways to do something each week that leads me to doing something that I feel “fulfills my “purpose” in life”. But it will take time.
Ok…enough for today. I’m a bit overly anxious, but not terribly so…have a plan for the day to reach some goals. I even have some hope that honestly posting might help someone…because I do miss that.
Nands