And another update: My AH and I have been getting along from a distance somewhat, but after I told him that I wasn't feeling great lately, he apparently decided to go for my weak spot.
He's still living with his parents, we are not legally separated, but we have lived apart for about five months. He was purportedly working a solid recovery program and we were discussing doing marital counseling. However, over the course of a couple of weeks, I have realized that he's not being as straight with me about his program as he could be. In particular, he's being evasive about whether or not he's in individual counseling (which came up as we discussed which counselor to use). This was a dealbreaker for me, because counseling was part of the treatment plan that he was supposed to be doing in order to monitor the BPD and alcoholism and medications. Regardless, what I realized is that while he had these last five months to get it together and tighten up his program, he just hasn't done it. I'm not convinced that he hasn't relapsed again. If not, just based on our interactions historically, I am afraid he's BUDding.
So after I told him I wasn't feeling good -- which was right about the time that I put these pieces together -- he started sending me text messages and voicemails that are alternately needy and/or hostile. He says he is showing compassion for my feelings, then is somehow able to make that compassion ultimately about himself and how nobody loves him. When I didn't respond quickly enough (Maybe I'm in bed! Maybe I'm busy! Maybe I am the exhausted single mother of two children!), he started getting angry and telling me "I Quit!" i.e. he quits trying to communicate with me because I'm so difficult and elusive. Instead of engaging with it, I've been setting my phone aside and doing other things.
I'm not totally sure why I'm sharing this, if not just to say that the antics never seem to end. And how sad I am that he's still incapable of really relating to me in a way that's real and authentic. He's purportedly two years into "recovery" with "only" "three" relapses and seems to be using his attempts to repair our relationship as occasions for manipulation and threats. It's also a reminder that if his recovery is not real, the facade will eventually crumble.
I'd go N/C except for the kids. In the meantime, sorry, pal, but I am absolutely ignoring this crap. I'm really trying to manage my life and clean up the messes I've made and I can't allow him to make his problems my problems too.