Originally Posted by
LexieCat 
I also think that EXPRESSING anger toward the person we are angry with often does more harm than good. Even non-alcoholics become defensive when they are the target of anger--and even when, under calmer circumstances, they realize they did wrong.
I'm not saying angry feelings should be bottled-up or swallowed. But sometimes posting here, or confiding in someone else, or journaling, can be a way of acknowledging and releasing the anger so we can (a) have a calm and productive conversation with someone about whatever the problem is--maybe to solve it--when the person is someone with whom we can or need to maintain a good relationship, or (b) work on another way of changing the situation if the person we are angry with is incapable or unwilling to listen to reason.
This has been something really important for me recently.
I have a lot of relationships that are solid, strong and that I can be "me" in them and get my needs met (even if it is not always pretty). They are mutually beneficial relationships.
I have a lot of relationships though that I am there for the other person, but don't really get a lot from them.... This is usually the group that I expend a lot of energy about their problems. I don't take care of myself around them.
I have similar expectations of both groups, and often am surprised when the second group is not able to be there for me. If I bring a concern to them (even when I am calm and reasonable) it often thrown back at me. I then usually take it on as "my fault."
I am finally starting to figure out that my role in this is the energy I put into the second group and the little I get back. This is a bigger pattern for me then just with my loved one who is an alcoholic (though it played into that also).
I am hoping when I change my patterns it will allow me to stop stuffing things about relationships and to limit future resentments because of my unfair expectations.