Tuffgirl

And those steps lead to a healthy detachment based on acceptance, as Mike and Lexie are describing. It's what the Al-Anon (and other 12-step) program refers to as "Letting Go Of Resentments".

Mike has referred to it in the past as being "mindful". I like to call it self-awareness. Instead of looking outward to what is causing an emotional reaction, I instead look inward first. It's easy to think "that person pi$$ed me off!" When in fact it could be as simple as I had expectations that weren't met, so my emotional reaction to this situation belongs to me and is under my control.

I think there is a distinction between rage and resentment, and for me, resentments are a noun and rage is the verb. I rage over resentments. When I work to re-frame the resentments in a more logical way that allows me to find acceptance, I no longer feel rage about it.

Mike was a person here who really helped me this past summer come to terms with my divorce. And it was a very simple yet repeated reminder. This is what it is. It wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't what I agreed to. But it is what it is. I can continue to "feel" whatever I want about it, but it doesn't change what it is. And my feelings don't take away someone else's rights to live as they want. To make their own life choices. Sure, we had a legal contract with vows and all that jazz, but in the end, it is still his right to determine how he chooses to live and my right to determine my way of living. Those ways didn't match. Letting it go was an act of kindness on both our parts, rather than continue to drag each other around by the nose demanding we each get our own way - which, interestingly enough, causes resentments!

ShootingStar, you are going through the same process that others have already gone through, and you will find your own version of acceptance eventually. I have no doubt about that! It is a process, one that can't be rushed or pushed or cajoled. I didn't wake up one day and say "hey I feel GREAT about all this now - WOW!". It was more like each day got a little brighter and a little less obsessive. Each step I took toward acceptance released the negative emotions, like slowly letting the air out of a balloon.

But I do admit that even today, I have to be very mindful of my tendency to have high expectations. That I can be very impatient. To step out of my own way and let life happen on life's terms. That there really is very little I can control. And in living with this mindfulness, I find I live with very little anger, resentments, and rage these days.