bemyself

Hi all,
this is my first new thread as I don't want to hijack others'. {note, this could be a bit long, but I'm home alone, as always, and SR esp Sec Connections is my lifeline}.

It's only just midday here in Melb Aus, and I'm on my second glass of wine. It's part of a bottle left over from last night. Once it's finished there'll be no more in the house. Will I (note the use of 'will', for the AV language gurus...all opinions welcome) then get in the car etc to buy more - either before I get too drunk to drive, or after I've had a nap, or later in the day? All after trying sooooo hard to practise separating from my AV Beast voice.

I've been working on doing just that on and on this past week or more. Yet, despite having made a Big Plan (and noting same on one of the recent threads here), I seem to just get 'done in' by flooding, vertigo, whatever you care to call it. Bizarrely, I even verbally noted 'vertigo' to myself whilst IN the car yesterday afternoon, driving to buy more wine.

I'm doing this all alone, literally - apart from you guys on SR SC in particular. I've stopped going to AA meetings quite some days ago for all or any of the many reasons which so many talk about both here and on LifeRing and other non-12 Step type sites / discussions. Interestingly, I took a call only this morning from an AA 'mate', who was just checking to see how I was -because people had noticed I hadn't been attending, and those I do speak to knew from my own admission that I'd been drinking again, on and off many times over recent months and weeks. He, the mate, was cool; but I did feel quite ok stating that I simply can't go back to meetings (for the various reasons). I didn't ramble on, but simply said: 'I have NOT given up on getting and staying sober, I'm just taking a non-12 Step path'. I'd mentioned RR / AVRT to him on the call, but simply what AVRT stood for, that's all. I wished him well, and said, 'luv to all the crew, hope to catch up for a coffee sometime [i.e. not at meetings]'.

I hope the mods won't move this thread elsewhere, because I only mention AA as part of my attempt to quit for good, using AVRT. Sorry: what I mean is: I much prefer AVRT for a host of philosophical etc reasons, because AVRT type people (at least here on SR) will engage, discuss, be intelligent, etc.

Having said all that, some of you laser-like minds here (bless you!) might well say (perhaps): so just stop drinking! The infuriating thing for me is that I GET THAT, the sheer, beautiful logic of that, Big Plan, AVRT and all. Yet.......here I am, still drinking. I'm smart, I'm super-educated, I love discussion on a huge array of topics, I'm alone, I'm often bored, I love my dog, I have no family or friends (within striking distance), I love gardening, I'm retired due to various disabilities (including alcohol dependence, but that's not the only one), I have some money other than the pension, I'll always be a renter as I age further (due to past relationship / financial disasters)......on it goes. I kind of know who I am.

I've 'Identified' as 'an alcoholic' in the past year of meetings and at the rehab I attended for a month Jan 2012. That's all very well, but I wish to not be 'in recovery mode' as RR points out as an endless hall of mirrors, a reductio ad nauseum kind of being.

I guess, I just wish I could BE 'recovered', be done with it, get through the first day, 2nd day, etc as the blasted Beast does its thing with withdrawal symptoms, thoughts, and all its other tactics. But I simply seem not to be able to just separate fully.

I'm not being hard on myself; I know I CAN do this for good. But by gees, there's something I'm missing - not in the technique, but in myself. Bleh!!!