I agree we're all allowed to be angry, and that letting go of that anger can be misconstrued by our alcoholics as an opportunity to unleash their destruction again. But I also don't think it really matters for them. I think they do it irrespective of how we react within the spectrum between calm and crazy rage.
Audrey1, I think you're on to something here. What you say makes me realize that, for me, acknowledging my anger and rage has nothing to do whatsoever with my STBAXH. All I can get from connecting with him is more of the same.
So I think what I am talking about is what I need to do FOR ME. It doesn't ever have to involved my AH again. Unless he makes radical changes, and he doesn't seem at likely to ever to do so, no interaction with him will ever get me free of my anger and rage.
I think I have to do that on my own, for myself. I am beginning to really understand that he needs to be toast in my emotional life. Gone. Otherwise, I just get back into the "same old, same old" merry-go-round trap.
ShootingStar1