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Old 02-05-2013, 11:55 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
lizatola
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Originally Posted by Florence View Post
I spent about fifteen years trying not to blame myself for my sexual assault, while I had family who held me responsible for being raped as a tween and sexually abused by my son's father as a young adult. I stayed in these emotional struggles because I wanted them to hear me. I wanted them to know that I was just a kid, that I couldn't handle those situations, that I couldn't defend myself. I fantasized about getting the men that abused me to see how much it hurt, for them to feel shame and regret for how they treated me. I wanted my family to feel shame and regret for blaming me.

Someone said it here the other day. What I wanted more than anything was for the people that hurt me to heal me.

It just doesn't work that way.

I said something about this earlier in another of your threads. I had to figure out how to scoop up Little Florence and hold her and hold her and keep her safe. For a long time -- months -- every time I sat in my therapist's office and tried to imagine myself as a child, I would burst into tears. I haven't felt safe since I was very small. I'm learning this incrementally. What I find is that the more I am able to care for myself, to be conscious of my own needs, including the need for safety and security, the less I need the validation of others to live my life.

I'm no wiser than anyone else here, and I've made some marvelously colorful mistakes and missteps in my life. But I'm not to blame for being raped as a child, or being sexually exploited by my son's father, and I could not consent to pin my emotional well-being on someone who liked to blur that line and exploit the most painful pieces of my life if it meant getting his way.

YMMV.
Florence, I forgot to respond to this yesterday. You are so right and that's what I'm trying to do these days. Taking care of the child in me and doing what my FOO never was able to do, they just didn't have the emotional capacity to care for me appropriately. It wasn't malicious, it just was what it was. I used to accept it all without batting an eye and then wonder why I was so miserable in my marriage, etc but now I know I still need to face the past, deal with the emotional fallout, so that I can move forward in peace and newfound strength. Thanks for sharing!
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