liz, I have something to say.
I was raped when I was 17. I told the ABF years ago, before we were together. I was very drunk, didn't press charges, avoided the guy (and his wife who happened to be a good friend of mine) and that is how I got over it. Not the best way to do it, but I was a freaking child.
Now, protective order I filed on the ABF months ago stated that he raped me. Yes, he did, regardless of what he says or forgets due to drunkenness or whatever. No means no, especially in the middle of the night when you are trying to sleep and he is so drunk and belligerent that you don't know what to do. The protective order was filed for domestic abuse, although that was also in there. This is the first time I have told anyone, except the judge when I got the order, and she did not include it in the order because I told her to leave it out because I was too ashamed.
He went to rehab, got out, blah blah blah. Now we constantly (well, we did until he left) argue about sex and how he won't touch me because I am accusing him of rape and trying to send him to jail and whatever. No. I would have pressed charges on him if that were the case. I would have told someone if that were the case. I wouldn't have explained it away to the judge that it was because he was drunk (although intoxication is not a legal defense, but I specifically said I would not press charges on him so do not bother making me try). I said I am not the one telling everyone what the protective order said, YOU are. YOU are the one telling people.
Then it got worse. He started screaming at me about why don't you go get raped again, you must have liked it, it was all your fault. You know what? I didn't even care about that, it was the fact that my BROTHER is my next door neighbor and what the hell would I do if he heard all this, because I never told ANYONE else I was raped when I was 17. I am absolutely terrified that my parents are going to find out and blame me, which is why I never told them, which is exactly what the ex is doing now.
He doesn't understand, I don't think about the rape like that. When he brings it up and turns it against me, he is doing it to me psychologically all over again. And the second time around, it is worse, because I don't have alcohol to dull the pain.
I get exactly what you are saying. I have really never told anyone most of this, and I really am surprised that I actually said it now, but I get what you mean, because you can't have sex with someone who is going to throw everything like that at you, but of course, they love you, duh.
And he denied ever saying any of it. I don't care. I know what I said, he knows what he said, and you best believe, I don't forgive that easily. The psychological damage being caused goes waaaaaayyyy beyond the relationship, sex-or lack thereof, or whatever. That stuff is out of control.
Anyway, I don't blame you one bit, you are hurt, angry, confused, and he needs to get the fact that you don't just randomly have sex with people. If he is not willing to try to make it up to you, then fine, don't blame yourself. This is HIS fault, don't forget that.