I guess I have a different take on this. Take what you want and leave the rest. It seems to me that you RAH is telling you that he can't live with your co-dependency. Same as you telling him you can't live with his drinking.
He sounds pretty clear to me about what he needs to have happen for him to come back. He needs you to get a handle on how your behavior impacts him in negative ways. He doesn't seem to be mean or belligerent about this. He doesn't sound like he is blaming or blame shifting to me. He sounds more like he is setting boundaries for himself about what behavior from you he can live with.
That's part of his recovery. He sounds like he is hoping that you will do your part of the recovery. For you. So you get in a healthier place, too. So maybe he can eventually, when he sorts himself out, meet you again in a new better place.
This may seem incomprehensible because it is so different from what you expected. He would stop drinking, and that would be it. Everything would be fine. However, I think we, as partners of alcoholics, get very enmeshed in behavior that enables their alcoholism. So we have to learn exactly what that is, and then we can begin to change.
Going to Alanon, reading Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More, perhaps even asking your RAH, if he's still the main breadwinner, for some money toward individual counseling for you - all of that can help.
There is hope here, Justshy. Even as the waves of emotion wash over you, look for the little bits of insight that come now and then, and focus on them. Let the emotions come and go, and try to grab that insight and think about it.
ShootingStar1