Originally Posted by
redatlanta 
All too often I see people make a very big mistake in a relationship. Not paying attention to a problem until it is too late. There is such a thing as "too late" not all things are fixable.
I would imagine the problems you have had with AH were there before you ever found SR. When we are continuously hurt by another's actions it changes us. How long has it been? From reading your first post I would say 3 years plus. So for 3 years you have been asking, begging, pleading, appeasing, fixing, therapy, marriage counseling , Al Anon, supporting, talking, asking, pleading begging for CHANGE.
And here it is - this week, after all this time - he is presenting himself as the the man you want. It wasn't your asking, begging or pleading, it was an observation that his brother's bachelor life was not what he wanted. Hmmm.
But change is change, an offer to move forward is an offer.
What about you? How have you changed? How has 3 + years of this BS affected you? has it been worth it to finally have him say the things you have asked for that have gone unrecognized after all this time?
How many times I have seen this scenario - maybe not with addiction issues - but a partner try and try and try to fix a problem. And then when they finally put on their running shoes and head for the door the "problem" immediately changes. It's a MIRACLE! Often by that time the person "running" is so checked out of the relationship it can't be fixed.
If you choose to give a go again I hope that you keep your walls up. Keep expectations low and disappointment high. Stay somewhat detached. Protect yourself emotionally. I would have to see a good solid YEAR of dedicated behavior before I would let those walls down.
The drinking has been around 3 years now. I've been in Al Anon for 1 year. His BS has been going on for 18 years now. And, I've gotten so wrapped up in unhealthy ways to adjust to his craziness that I don't know how to fix some of it. I have to admit that I've learned through therapy that I can say NO, I can stop being afraid of his retaliation, but my physical body still reacts when he raises his voice or starts an argument. I still get anxiety attacks and adrenaline pumping, etc and that makes it hard to argue effectively or say what I mean properly without making my position worse. His friends used to tell me that he was the master at sarcasm and manipulation but I was so naive I didn't realize how it would be used against me.
This is his personality, yet I see the side I fell in love with on a regular basis. When he and our son play ping pong in the other room and I hear them laughing at each other, it warms my heart. When I see him working a room of people with ease, I admire his ability to know how to talk to people. When he decides to get honest about himself (which happens on occasion and we have beautiful open conversations without blame or rejection), I break out the party hats because I know there's a good man in there. I know he FEELs like he loves us. I know he didn't drink and get the DUI to bring us misery. I know why he drinks. It just seems that he doesn't, and he hasn't been honest enough with himself to work on his own issues.
And, even though he's asked for forgiveness for EVERYTHING he's done, the hurt is still there FOR ME. I step back, lick my wounds for a month or so, and then he goes on another binge and he's back to sticking in the knife in my heart and giving it a twist for good measure. He goes back to defending his behavior, pointing the finger at me and finding some false accusation to throw at me to redirect, etc. So, yes, it's been the same old song and dance with him but the drinking has thrown me for a loop. I told AH that the DUI was truly the straw that broke the camel's back for me. His minimizing of the DUI itself and the fall out from it are what anger me the most. It's all caused a lot of resentment. Not the actual DUI, I forgave that, but the way he handled himself afterwards and continued to make it seem like I was crazy for getting angry about his continued drunk driving. Sigh, anyway, I feel like I've come a long way. Believe me, I have changed and he knows it. The question is: can he change enough to keep me? And, can I overcome my trust issues? Big questions, but that's OK. I'm still taking the time for me. I have to keep working MY steps, going to MY meetings, and taking care of our son. Life moves on and there are greater rewards ahead of me, whether they be in this life or after.