Hey Liz...Ever get the impression you aren't figuring all this stuff out fast enough to suit other people's liking?
When Dr. Laura was talking about women withholding sex as a form of manipulation (which does happen, I'm sure of it)...I kind of doubt she was dealing with sex in an ALCOHOLIC marriage. I haven't read Dr. Laura but somehow I think its all a bit more complicated when issues of addiction are involved. I don't think any therapist would recommend that you be physically intimate with someone you don't trust. I don't think its hard to understand why someone isn't physically attracted to someone who has hurt them. Sorry, I just don't the whole manipulation by withholding sex charge.
I do agree with one thing...
In the end, you have to decide whether you can love your ah and stay with him as he is today. If you can, then I agree, jump in with both feet and commit yourself to the marriage. If you can't, then it's time to leave. But getting to this point of decision is a process. It's not a contest to get there as fast as you can. I really hope you're going to face to face meetings. They're the only thing that helped me reach the point of decision in my own time...on my own terms. Alot of times, I felt judged here. I felt a real sense of impatience from people that I wasn't 'getting it' fast enough. And that's too bad, really. This forum is great...don't get me wrong...but we're codies in the end...and sometimes I think we like to convince others to see things OUR way and to see it out way NOW.
I think you're asking all the right questions. Keep asking them. Double up on your meetings. Work those steps. Work an honest program of recovery and you WILL find the answers you seek. I guarantee it. It works if you work it.