Tuff girl, you've given me a lot to think about. I've worked through so many books on forgiveness, it's not even funny. Maybe I need to go back to them?
As for the sex thing stuff. I can't seem to get past his rapist comments that he made months ago. Yes, he apologized 2 months later but I felt it was too late. He had backed up his words over and over and they are sticking with me like glue. I hate that, both about my inability to forget what he said and find a way to move past it and the fact that he said it in the first place. Seriously, I would love for someone to tell me how to get past the hurtful things that are said when someone is stone cold sober? If he(or anyone for that matter) were drunk, I could blame the alcohol and get past it. Kind of like how I forgave my dad. Yet, at the same time I never trusted my dad with my emotions or feelings ever again. I guess I just found forgiveness easier because he was drunk.
I also remind myself that AH has choices, too. He can leave me and find what he wants elsewhere. He, too, is choosing to stay. What a freaking cluster I've gotten myself into. Ugh!