EmmyG

I am writing because I feel like if I don't get this out, I'm going to explode today. My AH got a new puppy and of course, I'm the one left to take care of him while he's working (because I don't have enough to do working from home and raising an 18-month and 5-year old). Frustrating day.

Anyway...my husband is a binge-drinker. His binges, which come every six months or so, always create a crisis for our family. He is an awful drunk - emotional, sometimes aggressive, and the last few times he's drank, he's wound up in trouble with the law. He got his first DUI last month after having gone six months without any incidents. He had dinner w/a doctor he works for and the doctor broke out his wine collection - he went back to work that night and got pulled over going into work. Funny it wasn't one of the times he's been completely out of it drunk. Anyway, he refused the chemical test, so his license has been automatically suspended for a year. Yay!

It's been about six weeks since that happened, and I'm incredibly resentful. He feels terrible about it, but he's trying to be positive. A friend is possibly going to come stay with us for a couple of months to drive for him, so that he can wrap-up his out of town client and stop having to travel every week. Again, this will affect our family, having company staying with us.

I told him when this happened that he HAS to do something proactive. He set-up a sober social group on Meetup and the first event is this weekend. He thinks building a sober social network is a great start. He also went to a SMART Recovery meeting about two weeks ago, but said it's just not the right place for him because everyone there is physically dependent on alcohol and he is not. Which is pretty much true, but doesn't change the fact that he has a problem. He says he will find something else he can do to help his problem.

I am getting to the point of indifference. I am considering saying he has to start individual counseling (which he's been talking about doing) immediately, or I'm done. I hate ultimatums, and I hate "forcing" someone to do something that they haven't seen the urgency in doing themselves. I am just ready to have a better, drama-free life. However, on the other hand...if I do leave, I have to look at the custody issue. I also think about the fact that our life is great most of the time, and that he is great with the kids, and they adore him. Also, he's not from here, he's from the UK. I worry that if I leave, he will spiral downward and end up getting deported, which would be terrible for my boys. He's never bothered with becoming a citizen, he's just a permanent resident. Financially, I know he'd help me, but I could handle that myself if I needed to. I do love him a lot, but I just turned 31, and life is short. I am tired of waiting for him to 100% "get it." He has made some significant changes, but he still drinks on occasion, and I can't take that chance over and over. I don't want to be the prison warden anymore. I want to relax.

I'm so torn, as I've been for the last six years. It just feels like even though things aren't as bad as they were when we got married, I'm still here in the same place...still waiting for this part of my life to be over so that I don't have to think about it anymore. But maybe it's never going to be over as long as I'm married to him. I just don't know what drama awaits me if I get a divorce.