Originally Posted by FireSprite

So I made up my mind that afford it or not, DD & I (& maybe my niece who also has her own park pass) ARE going to take this trip with or without him. That my sanity is valuable & worth dipping into the small cash savings I've managed to hide for emergencies. My sis would happily cover any expense for my niece so no issue there.

But for 2 solid weeks now I have talked myself right back out of this. I keep coming back to finances, the irresponsibility of running away since it logically won't fix anything, better off waiting til my health improves, etc. When it's come up with RAH he says he'd feel better knowing we were enjoying ourselves sometimes instead of just sitting around at home... which makes sense because I hear him talk often about how his biggest regret is affecting our quality of life with his selfishness.

When he asked me last week if I had decided to go I snapped back, "trying to get rid of me??" And then it hit me - this isn't about anything other than my own codieness. Every time this has come up I needle him in subtle ways trying to force him to give me a reason not to go. When he was actively drinking, leaving him alone for the weekend set my teeth on edge & I would never do it except for business (& even then, grudgingly). I spent every minute away worrying about what I was coming back to.

NOTHING in his words OR actions shows me that this is still a valid feeling. It's more like a leftover habit, my codie desire to control not because I WANT to, but because I've gotten so USED to doing so. I keep waiting for those little tingles in my gut telling me I'm right to be on guard, but it isn't happening. I have NO reason to distrust him right now AND I've taken this trip alone before with DD when she was 3, so it's not like a totally new experience.

So now I feel like I HAVE to go to prove to myself that I CAN. Is that crazy?