My husband and I had been married for 25 years before I began to drink. My drinking was a symptom of my discontent with myself, of deciding to live my life as a martyr instead of asking for what I wanted. I began to deal with constant migraines and back pain and insomnia.
It was at this point when my husband was away for several months on a course and I was dealing with two teenagers, one of whom was acting out in a very dangerous way and I started drinking to help myself sleep. I was so out of touch with myself that it took no time at all for me to become alcoholic. My drinking continued for almost 3 years. My husband detached and my children detached and I was alone and terrified as my health deteriorated. Thank god, I made the decision to stop drinking. For me the real issue was changing myself from the inside out. I had to say 'No', I had to ask for what I wanted, I had to take care of myself and not just my family. All these things were foreign to me. I had to find my way and to deal with the intense shame and guilt that I felt.
My family wanted me to get better, but had no interest whatsoever in how I did it. Rightly so, they saw it as my problem to fix and that's what I tried to do. It has been an almost thirteen-year journey and I have been amazed by the layers that I have had to peel away. I am not the same person. My relationship with my husband is not the same. It's so much better. I have learned to love myself and that has made all the difference in the world.