hexaemeron, thanks for sharing your story. Reading about the pressure you endured to be perfect, especially academically, was like reading about my own childhood. I too was my mother's confidant about her depraved life. Everything from her criminal activity to her extramarital affairs. Not only did I have to listen and keep her secrets, but I had to support and validate her, or risk facing her rage. And then with the grades in school....oye. I would bring home straight A's on a report card, and my mom would be disappointed because they weren't A+'s. Like you, there was no money for me to go to college, but the unequivocal expectation that I would go. I also always had to pretend to be happy. My mom would berate me or publicly humiliate me, and then scream at me to "smile goddammit!" It turned me into a robotic machine. Her nickname for me was "the stepford child." Have you ever heard the song "Perfect" by Alanis Morrisette? It's a song about our childhoods.
You made the right choice in cutting off your parents, as difficult as it is. It's time to take care of yourself. I wish you peace and happiness.