Blondie

I just can't stand it!!! I just need to vent somewhere! My AH is not getting on my nerves now (he is in recovery and has his ups and downs and I'm hoping he keeps at recovery), but it is my mother (was and still is addicted and abuses prescription meds)! It seems like after I visit her or hang the phone up after talking to her I start to feel like an evil person and not a very good mother and that I was unworthy to be breathing everyone else's air. I just feel like a worthless piece of crap. She always has had the power over me to make me feel bad about myself, but I'm starting to really realize that I am giving her that power! Good grief, I'm 41 and I am still trying to please my mother like a little dancing poodle.

You know, maybe I'm not so mad at her, but I'm mad at myself. I always fall for the bait. Whenever I go over to her house I always tell myself not to mention my husband or to start complaining about anything. But she starts to dig as soon as I arrive and she seems to know what buttons make me react. She never lets up until she gets a reaction. Soon I am complaining about my life, alcoholic husband, house, etc, etc, etc. She then gets a weird attitude about her and starts in with her "I told you so" routine and the "your learning" speech like she is superior and knows more and is better then I am. She was extremely verbally, physically and emotionally abusive when I was growing up and has a selective memory about everything. In her mind she was perfect, me and my sister were worthless brats.

I need a kick in the pants before I go over to her house or call her to remind me not to get into the old complaining routine, but it's hard to pretend everything in my life is great. My kids love her a lot, but I have no feelings for her and she doesn't have feelings for me. She resented us (her actions spoke loud and so did her words) when we were growing up because she blames us for her having to stay with my dad until we grew up and then she felt she could leave. I believe she is still resentful and likes to hear that I am unhappy because she feels I need to be suffer for making her go through what she went through. When I do appear happy, she has to bring out the "big guns" and make me feel like I'm worthless and a waste of space. This all seems so sick to me, but she is sick and has been so for years.