Greetings all, I’m putting this story in this forum as i don’t believe it belongs in the newcomers forum. Because I’m not, a newcomer that is. Perhaps “Re-starter” would a better term, or “relapser” to be blunt.
I have no intention of bashing or belittling AA here, I am merely relating my experience of the last few years and why I have chosen this new path of a secular solution.
*Mods I hope you don’t have to edit this post or remove it entirely.*
I’m 46 years old, been drinking regularly since I was 18. Really learnt to do that in the Army. Both my parents were alcoholic, but not nasty ones, just not very “present” while I was growing up. Anyway, Dad has been sober for the last 35 years through the AA program. Mum died 3 years ago leaving half a bottle of brandy on the kitchen bench, after an internal haemorrhage of the main artery from her liver, due to the stress of being evacuated from a bushfire.
Knew I had a problem for quite some time, just ignored it and the drinking got heavier, trying to suppress those feelings. Still had everything from the outside looking in: wife, car, good job, mortgage paid off, no trouble with the police. I would just retire to my man cave and pretty much quietly obliterate myself every night.
So going by my Dad’s experience I went to AA. Started in October 2010, had 2 sponsors in that time; the first was mostly hands-off, “Call me if you need me, hope you find something in the Big Book that will save your life” kind of thing. The second was the polar opposite; call daily, meet him at home once a week for 2 hours with highlighter pens and we’d read through the BB. Told me to get rid of my PS3, close my Facebook account, just to name 2 things. When we got further into the steps I would have to email him with my daily inventory. Don’t get me wrong, we got along well and he was a nice guy.
For the 2 years I was there, I couldn’t stay sober more than 2 weeks at a time.
I could not get my head around the “powerlessness” concept. I have a military background and am still in a paramilitary career. When faced with an obstacle I want to overcome it, not surrender. Through this forum I discovered Rational Recovery, I did the internet crash course yesterday and have made my Big Plan. I will never drink again and I will never change my mind. The RR book is on its way to my place. There is also a once-weekly SMART meeting nearby that I intend on going to, as long as it’s not counter-productive to RR. Although I have seen folks on this board who have made a success of combining a few different recovery modalities.
I thought that being a Catholic (very Catholic, as in still going Mass celebrated in Latin!) AA would suit me, as it seemed God based. But, just for me, something never gelled between my faith and AA. RR seems to make so much more sense!
I’ll close by admitting that I’ve been lurking these secular forums for a while, have read through all of the threads (THAT took me some time!) and would like to thank Dalek, Gerald Twine, soberlicious, shockozulu, freshstart57 and Robbie Robot for helping me come to the decision I have. I’ve been reading your wisdom from the shadows for some time (this may called stalking n some circles, LOL
).
If you’ve stuck with this from beginning to end, I salute you! Thanks for being here.
Matt.