Just a short note.... I'm still sober
Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results has been key to my decision to go outside "traditional methods".
I will share a bit about this...but don't want to go on too long...
I'm doing a "home" medical detox...with access to medical help and checking in with the doctor about anything that seems a bit off.
I'm not having my mom here, or having supervision in a direct way. I keep thinking about "learned helplessness" which seems to have had me trapped for some years now...the idea that "I can't" that if there isn't someone there monitoring me I will fail. Mom can detox me, but it doesn't work long haul and always feels a bit like an unhealthy dependency that isn't really working...I can ask for help, but in the end I have to have a committment, strength or something that doesn't require another entity to push through the hard times.
I'm not real comfortable about a medical detox because it makes it easier, and eventually I have to change or it won't stick...I guess it's just a few days without alchohol with a plan to continue after the medication. If alchoholism is partly the drinking "habit" or possibly a physical need...this will give me a few days to get beyond that part without a "supervising agent"...I just don't know...but it is something I haven't tried (treatment does not medicate when I have gone...it's go off everything).
I've over analized this, but I'm still stuck on the idea of "do something different" and find something to make it work that isn't dependent on approval and watching eyes. There is nothing wrong with using those tools if they work for you...sober is sober...but it hasn't worked for me in the past and I need to do something new.
One thing I wanted to mention...My mom is going to the Antartic at 84 years old! She leaves next week. This inspires me! I want to be like that. And I want her to not be "saving" her 3 sick kids lol ... makes me more committed short term to being in good shape this week so she can go enjoy without a burden in her heart.
Additionally, I'm doing well at work (from a professional view...they don't see the destruction of my drinking yet)...and adding to my contributions at work matter.
OK...I screwed up and talked too much. The medication makes me talkative and motivated to do stuff...house clean, laundry done and lawyer work almost caught up. I just don't want this to be temporarily because I'm on medication...I want this to translate to a real change. I taper off the medication starting on Tuesday and that will be the real telling point...can I stay off the alchohol or will I start to think I need something to ease the anxiety and feeling of "needing the drink to avoid my responsibilities". There is some solid studies that this can work...I need to simply believe. I'm a cynic and don't have a lot of trust...but I'm going to admit my fear and feed my belief.
I've also decided that the best attitude I had in sobriety was "living in the bounce". It's ok to be happy for a few hours, get depressed for a few hours, and mostly be content....it's understanding that how I feel is gonna jump around...it's knowing it's all just temperary states of mind ... feel it...don't do destructivet things (like buying binges or saying scary stuff to people due to a temporary feeling). This feels like a goal I might be able to achieve...but we will see how it goes.
Thanks to all of you
Nands