Originally Posted by EnglishGarden

Neutral might be a better place to be for now, on the spectrum between optimism and pessimism.

His chances for relapse are very high. He is standing at the foot of a very high mountain, and he has a lot of personal work ahead. He has cravings, triggers, people, places and things, mood swings, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, childhood pain, guilt, shame, amends, anger, fear, self-doubt.....all to address during his first year of recovery. It is hard work. It is intensely self-focused and self-directed work with other people in recovery and with counseling. It is not a time for trying to make a girlfriend happy, to make her feel loved and heard. Nor for promising to be an equal partner in a mature relationship. It is not a time for sacrifice in a relationship. That comes later, after he is stabilized and has dealt with the psychological issues that lie beneath the need to cope with life by drugging.

This does not mean you have to cut off contact, simply that you have to let go getting your needs met in relationship for the next 12 or more months. Can you do that? It is very possible you can if you find other ways of making connection with healthy people and perhaps with your own counselor for awhile.

Relationships rise and fall on Trust. Without it, a relationship will either end or continue with both partners in misery.

There is no trust between you. Whatever trust you had in him was obliterated the moment he lied to you about the secret life he has been living. And he probably does not trust you, either. Because addicts typically believe everyone else is as much a con artist as they are.

So, this is a time for release. Release of expectation and for having intimacy needs met. Release of demanding he be anything other than who and what he is today. And release of blaming yourself for the present (and temporary) tone of your life, for you cannot be all-knowing and you cannot be perfect. Sometimes, we slip off the path. We get a bit scraped up and maybe spend some time in the wilderness. But with a true desire to live a meaningful life, we manage to get back on the path. How do we know we're back? We feel at peace.

Please let Time be your friend and his.