hi glowworm,
you're not alone. my husband is about 1 month sober, i guess. we don't talk about it. our painful past stands in the way. my husband could lavish sweet affectionate gestures and speeches sometimes when he was drinking, unfortunately the disease progressed in both of us and i became the warden of his drinking. this progression resulted in trust and respect and spontaneous gestures of affection being totally killed. when i was at his family days last month the counselor sat us down privately face to face and made us say to each other what we wanted. he told me he wanted to get better,"be normal, be there for me and the kids, be a good man and husband, i told him i wanted the man i fell in love with back and all the warmth and intimacy with it. she looked us both in the eye and said to us, you can have that if you work on recovery, it takes a long time to rebuild, and you're both very sick and need to take care of yourselfs if you're ever gonna get what you both want and deserve and can have. it''s a long hard challenging daily job,and you won't always be on the same page, but hopefully on the same path. my husband is emotionally unavailable, angry, withdrawn, tired and rejecting aa and mad about rehab group, but he is sober for 1 month. i guess i miss him, but the place we were heading was way worse than were we are today. i'll send you hugs and don't be afraid to cry a little and grieve for your losses. better days are coming and your desire for a better life will come to you in time, by the grace of god. we've all been thru so much chaos and pain and have a tendency to want it all fixed immediately. patience and focus on your spirit. do something nice for yourself today!! hugs from sugar