LoveMeNow

Last April, I realized I was codependent. I have spent a lot of time working on me with a therapist and learning what codependency is and how it has effected me, my thinking and my life.

Knowledge is power and educating myself was important. However, for me, it was not recovery. It was just one step in the right direction but I was merely an attendee at meetings, nothing more! I fooled myself into thinking I was working on my recovery. Sure, I picked up a tool here and a tool there but still had very limited knowledge on how to use them.

I have not worked the steps, I do not have a sponsor and I go to meetings when I feel like it or really need it. I learned a lot in my Coda class, I learned a lot about me and codependency but when the course was over, my efforts were too.

I had a huge codie "setback" in the past few weeks. I went back to my old ways. I lashed out in anger, I reacted, I played victim, and I never found searched for balance.

I allowed my husbands choices to effect me, my peace and my happiness! I had fooled myself into thinking I was OK - as long as he was OK. That is not recovery. That is codependency at its finest.

I need to work the program as if my life and my sanity depends on it, because it does.

Interesting note: My husband and I were having a long talk about his "relapse" - and I found myself judging his "recovery" efforts. Oh, but that mirror can not hide the truth any longer. Exactly what I was telling him, I was so guilty of. Also lately, I was being triggered when I would read another poster suddenly putting that "R" before AH/AW because their addict is abstaining for a week or two. I am no longer triggered because I know we all have own our journeys. Another persons recovery (or life) is none of my business. I have my own honest recovery to work on. Triggers can be a great learning tool.

I am right back in typical codie thinking mode with the I failed, this is overwhelming, everything I do is wrong, I haven't made much progress in this year, etc... telling myself all those negative thoughts. So just for today, I will accept that I am human, this is a learning process and as long as I am learning something....that is still progress and its still a big change from where I was last year at this time and I will be proud of some of my accomplishments.