DesertEyes

What I have learned from the many wise folks who have shown me the way to my own recovery is that all these cute slogans are just reminders. They are the "Cliff notes" version of other, deeper concepts in recovery that I would not be able to remember in the "heat of battle" with my disease of codie-itis.

"Support" is the _result_ of actions guided by wisdom. "Enabling" is the result of random actions guided by my fears. The trick is that if I had that "wisdom" on my own I would not have ended up in meetings of al-anon

I find that wisdom by listening to peeps in meetings, by reading posts here on SR, by asking for advice and direction from my sponsor and other folks I respect. I need all this outside input because dealing with addiction in somebody I love is something that I cannot figure out on my own. It is much too emotional and complicated, especially in the midst of the chaos and insanity that comes with the disease.

The first thing I do is look within. If I am feeling fear, or any other such negative emotion, then I know not to take any action at all. In turn, this means I have to do a lot of work on _me_, so that I am aware of these negative emotions and learn how to re-direct them in positive ways.

I support my addicted loved ones by learning how to live without fear, by learning how to be humble enough to ask for help, by working on my own progress thru my own program, and trusthing that after I have done all of that I will still make foolish decisions from time to time but in the end the outcome is really not in my control.

The slogan I use is "Let go, or be dragged". If I am being dragged, then there is no question that it is time to let go. If my loved one and I are both moving forward in life and making progress in becoming better people then there is no "dragging" involved. And there is nothing that needs "letting go". To me, the concept of "enabling" is the same as the concept of "holding on". It is only when I am enabling that I am holding on so hard to something that I end up getting dragged, and therefore need to let go.

For me serenity is the result of being in acceptance of reality, instead of having some fantasy of how reality _should_ be, and then trying to force my fantasy upon the world in order to make it _be_ the way I want it to be. When I am fully in acceptance of the world around me, then I can take those actions that are wise and healthy for me and those I love, instead of random actions caused by fear that things won't turn out the way I want them to be. Which goes back to the concept of enabling.

My "disease" of codie-itis manifests as an addiction to fantasy. When I am in relapse I will do whatever it takes to force people, places and things to behave the way my fantasy dictates. All of which is intended to protect me from the "withdrawls" of fear, uncertainty and doubt.

When I am in recovery I see reality as it is, instead of living in fear of how much worse it can get, or of what the future will be ( or not be ), or a million other imagined outcomes that might not happen. Recovery is to be free of my own negative emotions that change my perception and drive me to actions without wisdom.

All these different concepts work together in my recovery. Each one builds on the other. They all circle around the heart of my own problems and issues. If I take care of my "baggage" then all the rest just falls into place. I find serenity because I have nothing to "let go" off because I am not enabling anybody.

Easy to say. Am still working on making it stick all day long, every day. I do pretty good most days, but not good enough to get by without meetings, sponsors, friends, and SR

Mike