I’ve been reading on this site for several weeks and have finally found the courage to post. I have found many tidbits of strength from this site and I would like to thank you all for your honesty and openness.
I am the mother of a smart, handsome, creative, witty….22 year old meth addict. My son has been battling his demons for about 5 years, progressing from pot to meth. He’s been arrested more times than I can count but we have never bailed him out. He’s been completely non-compliant with his probation and now has active warrants. He has stretched what should have been a 24 month probation into 5 years. He initially had a DOSA (deferred sentence) that was revoked which led him to being sentenced to the original 24 month prison sentence. They did all of the adjustments (good time, rehab stint (court-ordered)) and dropped the 24 months to about 6 months. The entire time he was in prison he wrote letters saying how he was never going back, how much better he felt clean, etc. He made a plan for himself. He filed the paperwork to get his probation switched to California; he arranged to work for his cousin who had offered him a job if he was clean. He was released and moved into an Oxford House while he waited for the transfer. He found a lot of support in the house, attended meetings all the time…but he wasn’t willing to give up his “old friends”…(you know the ones who care for him so much they never wrote to him in prison). 5 weeks later he relapsed and has been on the run and completely down in it since. When we learned of his relapse my husband and I offered him treatment. He refused. He told me that he never wanted to go to California… that he was only doing that because he knew it was what I wanted. He said the only time he’s been clean is when he’s been forced and he has no desire to be clean. He said he wanted no help from us and that until he “hit bottom” there wasn’t anything we could do. I told him I would give him a day to think about if that is what he truly meant and he assured me he meant every word of it. I shut his phone off that day (we had arranged a phone after prison to assist with the move to CA). That same night I began attending al-anon meetings, which have been quite helpful. I’ve been attending consistently for the last 4 months. I’m struggling a bit with the complete surrender but honestly believe until he seeks help himself that we truly are powerless. I have also been attending an open AA meeting which I have found helpful. I’ve been reading the al-anon literature and really trying to work on setting firm boundaries while providing a consistent message that once he is ready for help we will see that it happens (my/his insurance will pay 100% of the best treatment center in our state). So…sorry to ramble…in recent weeks my son has begun posting ridiculous status updates on facebook, it’s obvious he is completely out of his mind. I am not “friends” with him but many of my family members are and they find it quite concerning “have you seen this? What are you doing to help him?” The questions are endless. I KNOW I cannot control this. I KNOW I didn’t cause it…nor can I cure it. Last week he posted “I miss you mom, it’s a shame you won’t speak to me because of the chemicals I put in my body”. When I first heard, I looked at it…bracing myself expecting to see an outpouring of “poor guy, she’s a beeyotch”…but I didn’t. What I did see were people talking about tough love…encouraging him to seek help…telling him I couldn’t fix it for him etc. In one of his posts he wrote that he “prayed every day to get arrested so his life could get back to normal”. (Seriously…normal??) In my opinion, I believe he wants someone else to force him to clean up so he doesn’t have to use his “I’ve hit bottom” card; essentially planning his next relapse. I don’t know…I’m probably projecting but as you know…this stuff can make you crazy!
The point of my post is this. How far have other members gone in setting their boundaries? Is it appropriate to say “Contact me when you’ve had 3, 6 or 12 months clean”? I don’t foresee him asking for help but do anticipate him being forced again. I don’t live near him so don’t see the daily damage but he has made a point of letting me know how hungry he is…how much weight he has lost. But every time…when I ask “are you ready?” he doesn’t respond. Just wanting to know if there are other parents struggling with boundaries….knowing they need to hand it over but feeling heartless when they do. Some days I feel very empowered, others...not so much. I’m hoping you haven’t fallen asleep reading this!
If you’ve made it to the bottom I appreciate YOU!