Amy12

My 2 yr anniversary was New Year's Eve. When I married my best friend, soul mate, better half, etc.. it was forever. We've known each other for 16 years and have been together for 8. I knew when I married him he had a substance abuse problem. And I know better, but I chose to marry him anyway, thinking I could stand by him and love him no matter what happens. After all, he knows the best and worst of me, and chose to marry me. Unconditional love is what we promised each other. Well, I never expected him to want to divorce me and blame me for his drinking and alcohlic choices. But that is exactly where I am right now. His unconditional love had a clause that he failed to share with me, which is he will love me unconditionally until it no longer works for him or requires him to be responsible and accountable to our marriage. He has started not coming home after work until sometimes 4:00 AM and is so drunk that when he gets up to go to work he is still drunk. He is drunk most days of the week. I am terrified he is going to kill himself or someone else while driving drunk. Do I report him to the DMV and his employer? I am so angry, hurt, frustrated, sad, the list can go on and on. I don't want this divorce. At times it seems he doesn't either. He is happy and loving one minutes and the next he is full of anger and anxiety and depression that he attributes to me. He says he loves me but I am not worth the stress. The stress he refers to is the accountability I expect of him to our marriage. I have decided to see an attorney to protect myself in the event he files for divorce as he says he is. I know this is the smart thing to do, but I can't help but feeling I am not holding true to my vows by doing so. It's an emotional roller coaster I wish I wasn't on. It kills me to have him want to love me one minute, then have him tell me the next he regrets it, and that it won't happen again because I think it means everything is OK. He still talks with my family and goes to their homes or outings and acts like there is nothing wrong. But as soon as we leave, he acts like he hates me and subjects me to emotional abuse. I am so sick and tired of hearing how his drinking, not going to work and depression and anxiety is all my fault. I feel like I have lost my identity and I am clinging on to any shred of hope I get from him that he doesn't want to end our marriage. If one of my friends came to me and told me her husband was doing all these things and not respecting her and their marriage my advice would be to kick him to the curb and force him to accept his consequences. Why can't I do this?