Wow. Thanks for all the love and support. It's so nice to have a place where people 'get it'. What a blessing. Thank you so much.
Florence. Thanks for the link. I like the idea of acting like a dispassionate cop. In my head I know this is hte right approach...but the emotions take over. I feel triggered like I'm dealing witht he active alcoholism again and I never did develop very good coping skills when it came to that. I decided instead to develope the NC and disengage route. I have alot of work to do. I know I"m sick. I know my responses are off-base sometimes. And yet, I don't want to beat myself up because I know I'm doing something really hard right now....which is raise an adolescent boy on my own. Tough under any circumstances...right?
Suki...my hat's off to you. Sounds like you had a quite the handful to deal with. I'm looking forward to the day when my son wakes up as himself again and the monster takes leave.
cr995. Somedays I do feel resentful and angry at my exah that we had this child together and then he went off the deep end. When my exah was here, it always felt like I was dealing with TWO teenagers...not one. At least now, I'm only dealing with ONE of these creatures!!
Mamakit...thanks for the love and support. Thanks for reminding me that I need to be a little more forgiving and compassionate WITH MYSELF throughout all of this. I need to put the mom whipping stick down. It's not doing me any good.
I can accept the reality of my life now but when I dwell on the sad legacy that has been created for these boys of mine I get so upset. I can do and be a lot if things but I can never be a boys father.
Thumper...I get it. I really do. Underneath all teh anger, the fear, the frustration, and pain, there is a very tender spot in my heart that simply aches that my son's father is the way he is. There's no fixing it. There's no amount of recovery that can change this fact. It is what it is. And sometimes, it just hurts...ya know?
Jazzman...thanks for the wisdom...especially the part about nto taking it personally. That's a tough one when I feel so triggered by his behavior. This is what I need to work on. This is where I come off the track and where the anger comes from. Good reminder for me today...thank you!!
And 4myboys...thanks for your encouragement too. I'm thinking about individual counseling...for me...for him... I've been thinking about it for a while. It's hard...I work full time...my funds are limited...but maybe its time to check into this option.
Hugs and huge thanks to everyone who responded. You picked me up when I was down today and I am so grateful...
Mary