Dear Dolllydo, Zozo, Angie, Jody, Englishgarden and everyone else who is offering me so much support.... I have read and re-read all your posts over and over. All of them make sense - which is even more confusing. The comments which suggest 100% NO contact - make sense: But then again the comment from Dollydo, that if I don't want him out of my life, then stay - also feels right!
So I am going to take baby steps. If you don't mind me sharing the plan so far:
1.One thing I can accept and fully introduce into my life right now - is that I have obviously many issues stemming from childhood etc and that I need professional counselling. I will see a therapist from next week.
2. I met with H late yesterday. And I 'shared' my thoughts with him. I thought long and hard about this - I could have written to him - or I could have not said anything at all. But meeting with him felt right for ME. I only told him what is MY truth and what I can realistically manage.Basically this is what I said:
"I love you. I pray for your recovery. I am not in the healthy mind space to accompany you into rehab. I will take attend joint therapy sessions with you but only after 3 months of you been in rehab. I need to work privately on myself and need at least 3 months to do this before attending a joint session. I am not ready for that at this stage. I am not threatening you, bullying you to do anything. But I will not be in contact with you again until (and if) you have been 3 months in rehab. We are two people who love each other - but our love has become destructive. I choose to get off the wheel for both our sakes. God bless you."
2. I return to SA on Saturday - which will help too as it puts a physical distance between us.
So this is my short term goal. I know many members suggest no contact for a year etc. But I can't commit to that. I would be lying to myself if I did. So this is the plan so far.
For one thing I absolutely agree with all of you - is I need time out - and my remaining in contact with an active addict - is the most destructive thing on earth. God knows what will happen after 3 months - perhaps I will have the strength (if it is necessary) to extend it to another 3 months. I don't know now - all I know is until he no longer affects me emotionally in such a negative way (rather until I no longer allow him to affect me) - then no contact is the only option right now. So here goes - day 1!!!