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Old 01-09-2013, 07:30 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
EnglishGarden
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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One of the indications of someone who is extremely narcissistic is that person feels dead without constant feedback, support, admiration, and attention. Those are called the "narcissistic supply" and they feed a black hole in the narcissist.

With drug addiction and all the erratic and, according to your recent posts, even vicious behaviors, Lara, I am wondering if he is not a hardwired malignant narcissist.

Maybe you could google the term and see whether the descriptions fit your experience of him.

The reason I am suggesting this is that the narcissist will absolutely demand within the family that everyone cater to him, and the effect a pathological narcissist has on a young child is devastating. In some ways, I think, even worse than a drunk's effects, because at least when someone is visibly drunk, a child can make a little better sense of why the adult is saying and doing insane things.

But people who have narcissistic personality disorder, they can be charming and friendly and welcoming while their needs are being fed. But once the attention turns away from them--ask anyone who has had a child with a narcissist who cannot tolerate coming second to a child--the narcissist can annihilate someone's soul with one remark. All it takes is one remark. I find pathological narcissism one of the most chilling disorders on the planet.

Many of us here know that just getting clean does not change a hardwired personality disorder. Zoso can attest to that. And until an addict is clean for a couple of years, we really do not know what his wiring is.

Your son is still top priority, right? I'm sure he is. But H has an astonishing way of sucking up all your energy, no matter where he is or what he's up to. It will affect your parenting.

I think most of us would vote no contact of any kind. And yes, you can let him know in advance, you can even set a specific time frame--five months, seven months, eight months, a year--and then the suggestion here is usually changing all your numbers because addicts absolutely never respect boundaries. But it will not be easy, Lara. It will be one of the biggest challenges you have ever faced, for the risk of obsessing about him will be very powerful, even with the silence. Your imagination will run wild, you will feel very anxious and very vulnerable and you will need someone in recovery you can call, even daily, for help in staying in the day and not out in orbit in the future. I speak from experience on this.

We are glad you are seeking help, Lara, and so many of us here understand what it is to try to disengage oneself from the vortex of chaos that is the addict's or alcoholic's life.
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