Is early codie recovery like a teenager learning to drive a stick shift?
I've been going to my meetings, reading the literature, and starting to really "get it." But I'm up, I'm down, I'm up, I'm down. Serenity is replaced by agitation, and I consciously return to the tools, or call my sponsor, or pray.
I guess that's normal--recovery from codependence is a process. Just like substances, right? But I'm finding recovery from codependence tougher going and there's some stuff going on, as there always is when there's an addict in the house.
Right now, I have pelvic pain, and worry about cancer. I go for an ultrasound next week. But I have today! I live and breathe! I have a warm bed, and a husband who loves me, and my son, who fell off a cliff in August, is alive! That's saying something. I can see the blessings in my life, instead of focusing on the things I can't control.
My son's evaluation with a top-notch psychologist specializing in learning disabilities was tough, too. She said she thinks his ADHD has morphed into depression, she is obviously concerned about his substance abuse--and now he's doing poorly at his alternative school.
I am pretty sure he's smoking pot, but I don't know, because I am not readign his private FB messages anymore, which is a big step.
Also, I haven't a clue what to do about it, so I am sitting tight for the moment, and praying for him, and doing what I can to take care of me. I am also scheduling an evaluation for him for depression. But it may come down to sending him to his dad's. I don't have to do anything right now.
My husband is just shutting down, and I totally understand why. But we are trying to take care of each other.
It's a rough patch, for sure. But there have been gifts and blessings, too. One of the biggests gifts of my early recovery? I seem to have internalized the tool of detachment. What that means, for me, is that I am able to love both my son, and husband, for exactly who they are.
I've also started keeping a journal, which is difficult for me, but I'm finding it helpful. I wrote today: "I can't fix it." And you know what? I really can't. I really, really feel that truth.
Also, I'm more aware of taking care of me. Tomorrow, God willing, I'm going to treat myself to a haircut. If you saw my hair, you'd so know what a huge step this is for me.
Love to all, especially the Mama Posse! I've been lurking, and it seems like we're all going through it...thank God for this board.