zoso77

Well, more like 52 weeks to the day tomorrow, my AGF pulled what she pulled. This post is meant for members and guests who are new to us and may be struggling with the hows, or whys, or whats...

...or with denial...

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My AGF was always dramatic. There was always something going on with her. But by the time I got into Al Anon in November 2011 during a time we were estranged, and started listening to the stories of others, I started to recognize that my reactions to that drama wasn't helping the situation. And it was weird, because I finally understood that there was nothing I could do or say to change the behavior of my AGF. It finally clicked. I got it.

So by the time she wanted to get back together in December of 2011, the way I responded to her histrionics had changed. I was a lot more hands off than I was before. One night on my way to a meeting, she called me, ranting and raving about a situation regarding her children. And instead of indulging her, I pointed out that if she had already predetermined an outcome, then that's what would happen. Instead, I encouraged her to take a more proactive, positive approach to this situation.

There was stunned silence on the other end of the phone.

And in hindsight, that was the beginning of the end. And I mean the real end. I wasn't enabling her anymore. If she came over my house and hadn't eaten all day, I wouldn't cook for her anymore or drop what I was doing to take her out. I treated her like an adult.

My denial came in the form of I forgot she was Borderline. I looked at the addiction side of her and didn't pay attention to the Borderline stuff. And on one Wednesday morning in mid-January, she dropped the bomb while I was at work. She sent me a picture of her and her new boyfriend from "the fellowship"...

...my heart quickened. I was pacing the corridors with my iPhone, pacing in the cafe, stunned, angry, devastated...shaking at the magnitude of her betrayal when she gleefully admitted to f**king two other men...


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Fortunately, I have really good people in my life. The first full day afterwards, I was in shock. But I realized that I no longer loved her. That was it. I got tested for STD's (which came back clean). When my drummer called me and we talked about what happened, it made me realize how lucky I was to have him and the other guys in the band in my life. We were really a fraternity that got off on playing together. They were there for me. And when I went to bed that night, I thought to myself, well, I've still got that.

By the time the second morning rolled around, I had decided enough was enough and I was going to get through this and get back to my life. I wasn't going to allow this to sink me. She had set me free. Now, it was just a question of getting back to my feet and living again.

It was then I really reached out to God. Because the pain in the beginning was pretty severe, and I couldn't shoulder it on my own. So I prayed for help. I thanked Him for the things he'd given me. And I made the decision to pray for my AXGF, because she was sick. Sicker than sick, really. And God was there. He listened, and the weight of all that pain really did lift by a bit.

I also recognized that my denial regarding her characterlogical makeup really bit me in the you-know-what. I knew what she was, yet I ignored what I knew and went forward just hoping for the best, believing we could get through all of this. "Fantasyland"...that's where I went. I knew better, and I got whacked. The big takeaway I got from that was thus: if your alarms are going off, you better listen to them.

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So, it's 52 weeks later. I'm more grateful of the things and the people that are in my life than any other time. Even just having a night like this past Saturday, when I can light a fire in my fireplace, pour a glass of a 10 year old single malt scotch, turn on the NFL playoffs, grab one of my 9 guitars, and log some time on the couch, is a gift. Because I better understand and appreciate how quickly things can change. No, I don't take anything for granted anymore. Ever.

ZoSo