Thank you all so much for your support and great feedback. I will definitely investigate BPD. I read "codependent no more" a few years ago, and was a bit disillusioned into thinking it was not me- perhaps another reread is in order.
Regarding recent developments- I have been unable to keep from the phone. We had a brief argument Thursday night, in which many of my character defects were again brought to light. This was followed by an appology phone call from her yesterday. Again with her stating she loves me, sees us together in the future, and is so scared. She also stated that she made a decision earlier in the week to truly focus on herself - AA, therapy, relationships with kids, and learning to live comfortable by herself. She also "slipped" that her affair guy may be having talks with his recent ex-wife about reconciliation.
She then pulled another disappearing act today, and about an hour ago I find that she traveled the 3.5 hours across the state earlier today...