Crazed

Hi all - First post. Getting buckled in-

So I have been with my AG for 13 years. She has had periods of sobriety and clarity (max of about 3 years), but for the most part, not much serenity. We've had periods apart (not more than 6 months), then always end up back together. Even while not drinking, there has been chaos. A few months after first rehab in 1999, she decided to do 13 steps instead of 12. Also had another affair back in about 2004 (while not drinking). This was blamed on me not be available to her needs (we were both going through some crisis at that time). She began relapsing in 2007, and it went on until March of this year. Drinking consisted of 1 or 2 day periods when I was out of town, followed by maybe 1-5 months of sobriety, and the cycle repeated. She was active in AA the majority of time, and has a drawer full of white chips. Things came to a head in March, and finally told her she had to go to rehab or move out. The next day, she went to her employed EAP and did - rehab for 40 days. I visited, and also went through intense family counseling with her for a solid weekend (about 30 hours). We were very open, and I felt like we again were very connected. At "completion," her counselors recommended 90 days in a halfway house vs coming home, which she did. She finally came home in July, at which time we really connected for a few weeks. I was thinking all would be ok.

Over the next several months, things were not good. I travel frequently, and this is a know trigger. When my 6th sense kicks in (hear slurring on phone, she disappears for long blocks of hours), I am fast to accuse, and she is quick to deny. This results in crazyness, as I am never quite sure. Distance was growing between us, as she was attending so many AA meetings, and all other time was spent with us attending to the kids schedules. We finally had a few conversations at the end of October about our needs not being met and things we need to do to get the relationship back on track. On her way to visit her family out of town (3.5 hours away), she called and told me how she loved me, and was glad we were finally able to break down some walls. .... It turns out she was on her way to her ex-boyfriends from high school (we are in our early 40s). A week later, she moved out. The reasoning for moving out was based on discussion with sponsor and therapist, because our relationship was toxic and threatened her recovery. She needed to be alone so she could learn to love herself- No relationships for a year. It was also stated by her sponsor (of 3 years) that if she continued to see the ex, she could no longer be her sponsor, as he was nothing more to her than a "bottle with legs," and a detriment to her healthy recovery.

Fast forward to today - we still talk. If I have no contact for more than a few days, she texts and calls about loving me, is not worthy of me, and misses me dearly. She seems heavily depressed alone, but functioning well around work, etc. Not sure if she is again drinking, but pretty sure there is some form of self-medicating going on. Her sponsor has "fired" her, since she has continued the relationship with Ex (including sleeping with him) and lied to her about it. I also found out that she has been communicating with him since about 2 weeks after she moved back home- like 5 times a day, every day, all hours of the day, night, etc...

Now that you have the small novel of the history, here is where the craziness starts and why I am posting:

Every discussion we have now follows the same pattern - I am reminded of all that I have done wrong (lack of true intimacy during sex, never marrying her, too controlling, highly codependant, not getting close enough with kids, being a miserable *****, not cherishing her and making her feel loved and welcomed in my life, not taking care of myself while she was taking care of herself in rehab, etc). Usually not in a mean way, but with true tears and pain about her needs not being met. It has caused me to do alot of heavy introspection over the past 2 months. I have been regularly going to Al-Anon, I have lost 20 lbs through hard exercise and diet, and feel pretty good about myself. I have also discovered that so much of what she has pointed out to me about my character defects are really entirely true. But during all of our heart-felt conversations, there is very little talk of her actions, other than general "I have been a horrible girlfriend" and "I know you don't believe me, but I am truly sorry." She has stated that her relationship with Ex is comfortable, and she feels good and un-judged while with him, no pressure, etc. She still communicates with him daily, and will not agree to any formal termination of contact with him, but keeps telling me she has hope for us. She states that if we are to move forward, we need to go to counseling, and we even discussed yesterday about a counselor- but she will set no timeline. She is terrified to lose me, but also terrified to try to reconcile as she has done so much damage to our relationship that we I may never be able to forgive. Yet she takes no steps to stop doing any more damage. Yet she won't let me go. I have been hearing these same comments since October.

And as wrong it was, we were romantically involved on Tuesday after 3 hours of the most gut-wrenching crying about what we have done wrong. Yet still no "I need to call off my other relationship."

I am so hurting with the feeling that I will never get the best of her... and he will. I have paid my dues. I have hung in with months of sheer happiness, followed by weeks of pure anguish. I have always been waiting for the periods of anguish to go away, for the chaos and drama to end, and for us to live out the dreams that we both so much want. In short, for her to totally "get" recovery.

My craziness is that I am unsure who is tha crazy one - her or ME???