Like Tellmenolies I also found your post very sad, and although I have been with my BF for three years (not 33 years) I felt the same as you do, and still do to a certain extent. The saddest is your comment #15, which I still struggle to fight against believing.
It's hard to tell from your post what your full situation is, but when you say "RA", are you saying he is a recovering alcoholic? Does this mean he has quit yet you are still feeling like life is still hard? We may have different reasons for feeling like this, and I'm sure this is perfectly normal and justified. I am with you on that one, as my BF has also quit, but I sometimes get so sad about it all in terms of the time we have lost, and that even if he doesn't relapse that our relationship is somehow not pure or normal because of what happened. I think it is true that all couples have problems to deal with, but that there should be some energy directed to resolving those problems and some element of happiness or there really is no point.
I am trying not to let everything that's happened get on top of me, and to take each day as it comes especially given its a new year. It's difficult as the memories keep flooding back (kind of makes me angry that only I remember these things and have to be the one to keep reliving them), and there are a lot of unresolved issues, but I made a choice to trust in his promise to stay sober so this is where I'll stay. Getting through the last month or so sober, especially with Christmas, New Year, and his dysfunctional family trying to coerce him into drinking despite his pleas for them not to making everything very difficult for him, is a big win for him and our relationship I think.