i wanted to thank all of you for your sweet replies... you all i tell you what are great people... fantastic and strong..
we are in our middle 40's, he is on disability. he has been scared to death to try to get help or go to a doc because he is so scared that he will lose his benefits after they find out. so i dont know.
he is really sick today. he hasnt left in 2 days, so he is in that crash sleepy mode. he cant wake up. and coughing alot. and it is still a dreary ugly cool day.
i have been dreaming all day of leaving, going to another state, starting over and never looking back. that is the only way i survive. that is weird. i just fantasize all the time. and you know you have to have money to do that,, which when you have an addict in the house that is a rareity. i really dont know if i still love him honestly,,, i have no idea what my feelings are. i mean i am sorry that he is sick, i "care", but love??? i really dont know what the meaning of that word is really. i have never truly, i dont think experienced it. except from my grandkids. now that is true unconditional love. but from a man, no i dont think so. you are not going to believe this, but sometimes i want to pull a good drunk,,,, and i dont drink or smoke or anything, but i just want to pass out.... like in high school. but then i cant take the hang overs.. ha. but oh just to be out of this reality. but then you always have to come back dont you??? it is always there no matter what.. i always just want to go to a motel room too. just go there by myself.. not with anyone. just the room, tv and myself. but i probably woudnt have a computer when i got back...
i am still reading all your posts here and in NA over there, and still relate to everyone and wish i could help everyone. all i can say, is dont waste your life on this addiction, you young ones. dont look back when you are 45 and say ,, gosh what have i done. do what you have to do to have a good life, cause God or your HP does not promise us tomorrow at all... i can preach alot, but i never ever practice it..ha.. STAY STRONG... AND HANG IN THERE..