Hi Eunectes. It sounds like you're preparing yourself to stop all together. You're disgusted with your behavior and want things to be different. That's the point I reached, too. I couldn't continue the sick and dangerous life I'd been living. It was time to come back to reality and find myself - and reach out for the great, new life I knew was waiting for me.
You can do this - stay close to us and keep posting. It's difficult when you first stop - you're getting used to a whole new way of living - but it doesn't take long to come out into the sunshine again and embrace a better life.