Ha, you have or have had chickens too. "Fowl beasts!" my grandma used to say. She could never understand my choice to keep them. They really are disgusting creatures but I really do enjoy keeping the flock.
Very good hearing from you here. This would be a very lonely thread without you. Exemplary of the relative loneliness I, and apparently you as well, experience in this complicated mindgame that is addiction. While at the same time we're not unique among addicts. Over-anaylsis complicates things for us. I'll never denounce comprehensive analysis of anything, for it offers so much insight and besides, it's mentally entertaining. Problem being however, we can find ways around just about anything. Between that and the paralysis of fear, we effectively can keep ourselves very stuck.
It's very encouraging to read of your willingness to forge forth beyond your hesitations and reservations. I've attended three meetings in the past week and keep coming back because the program does appear to be working for them. And I find solace in the fact I can relate, on some level, with their experience. To have a place where I can openly address what I'm thinking and have that met with a round of genuinely listening ears and nodding heads is a welcome change from shaking heads with their frustration and confusion, hurt and anger. I don't even consider going that route anymore.
But in that the secrecy still abounds. Relationships! They shouldn't be so complicated. People are so complicated.
If what we've done in the past isn't working for us something has to change. You write about not liking your job; can you make a change? Our work is such a fundamental cornerstone that shapes and affects our lives, to have a job that's not well-suited to you is a drag on you and your life. I so encourage you to find work you enjoy. I do not take for granted that I have work I genuinely love doing. In that I can invest so much of myself, and find so much escape, if you can call it that. An investment of time and mind and energy that is worthy. It makes everything else about life so much better.
I've been toying, seriously, with the idea of quitting smoking, which as you say, sounds impossible, and yet, I've done it before with success, sometimes for years, and years. Pick up that first one and it's right back in the old boat, sometimes for years, and years.
Don't be too hard on yourself. From my vantage point it sounds like you're making solid steps in the direction you choose, rather than allowing addict-brain to choose for you. Your story and thoughts are encouraging. Thanks for your friendship here.