nana05

i have no meetings to go to , so i come here, i read everyday, all of your posts and replys,, and its always funny, i sit here and say that is me,,i have done that, he has done that.. i cant believe how similar it all is.. how i want out.. how i just want to run. but i stay, and stay and threaten and threaten,, i am going to leave if you ask one more time for money, if you go through that bank one more time, if you write another check,, thats it,,i am gone, i hate you, you make me sick.. i resent the hell out of you, you have ruined my life for 28 years, i have totally wasted all of my life on you and helping you, i am your mom and not your wife, i become so outraged and mad that i dont even know what i am saying. this is my meeting.. you all are my friends in need. i read how you all support each other. and i read it every day...mostly at night.. i tell him i come here.
when i was little i used to walk in to my dad overdosing.. he was in WW2 and was on the front lines for about 4 years, shooting, killng, watching it. so he was put on big time meds from the VA, i mean like about 15 or so pills a day. and there was one he loved particularly. he would go to different docs and tell them stories and get that script and then proceed to come home and hide them everywhere,, even in his army jacket. i would come home many a time and he would be on the floor with my uncles helping him, he would go to detox every summer. then my brother became a paranoid schyzophrenic when he was 16, we would go to therapists with them all the time. they would each have to go to their seperate hospitals. they gave my brother shock treatments. he is 55 now and still has it and i have seen the worse of the disease , it is awful. my dad died at the age of 54 when i was 17, from lung cancer from all the smoking and all his organs shut down from all the meds he was taking. he died a horrible death, and this is what i have to live with, the big thing-i treated him horribly the years that i lived in that house. i talked to him so bad, i yelled at him, nothing he said i had a nice thing to say back. i did this from the time i was in 3rd grade until i was a jr. quit school when i was a jr , was pregnant from my now A, and had a beautiful baby boy and then lost my dad 2 months later. we had just started talking. he would play spoons over rory while he cried on the kitchen table. in his infant seat. me and my dad were talking...getting along, then he died. i did tell him i loved him before he died. my poor dad, he sat in one chair, for years and years and drank tea, smoked, and layed around. my mother was so bitter. and had to work 12 hours a day to support us, while he couldnt and my brother going through all he did.
fast forward to 85, divorced my now A, he did everything in the books to me, he physically abused me, went with alot of women, drank every weekend and would go out with the guys. while i sat at home being scared to death when he stepped foot in my door. i would stay up all night and watch out the window and would see the car coming and i would pretend i was asleep. most of the time it didnt matter, sometimes i felt like i was being raped cause i would let him just to keep him happy and he would pass out on top of me. he wrecked cars, me and my son would have to pack our "sacks" and walk to my mom too many a night...so i finally divorced him. he stalked and charmed at the same time his way back in 2 years later, promising me the world. it was good for awhile until i learned that he had the meth addiction. and it was bad, my kids would have to open the door to drug dealers all the time, and my daughters would find the needles all the time. they thought he was diabetic until they grew older, and then they knew. fast forward again to 93, got a job being a supervisor of customer service.. then found out what i had to do to keep it.... let my CEO sexually harrass me.. really bad. and i let him.... to keep my kids in soccer, dance, gym, camps, cheerleaders, all sorts of activities. i would get on the phone and he would put his hand down my blouse to my nipple while i was trying to fight him off,,, all my employees would leave me there. he would come up behind me in the break room and hold me while he brushed his you know what against me.. all the while holding my arms,, no one ever around. or would leave. or he would tell me to be still if i was at the copier,, and proceed to do whatever. i would hide in the bathroom from 430 to 5 , cause i would have to stay to 5 to answer the phone since i was boss.. he would come looking for me. this went on until 97 to keep that big money, after all my A was taking alot of his checks to keep his habit up. and we had teenagers coming up driving, insurance, proms, band concert dresses... then the company moved in 97 and i stayed in this town. oh and by the way i worked for a dentist in 88 that would give us our simple dental work free, and he also got me about 3 times while i was in the chair on nitrous. i always knew.. but i was like paralyzed. it wasnt as bad as the CEO but it was still too far,, to be checking,, one time he used the excuse he was checking for breast lumps.. and i was single with 3 kids.. in the projects. i quit him in the last of 88 and "he just couldnt understand why,that he would raise my salary but it would be a burden on him" screw you........
so alot more things have happened since 87, i have taken care of my A since about last of 89 with always i think, drug related illnesses, he had hepatitis and then he gave it to me, then he had a paralyzed vocal chord that was later on diagnosed with osteomylitis in 93. severe too. no one knew around here what was going on so it was left untreated for 2 years. so by that time he lost his left clavicle, and had 4 surgeries and vancomycin. nearly died. then in 97 he had this damn dreaded back surgery that has really sent me into hell...he has gone so downhill and he is on big time pain meds,along with meth.... has nearly broke us financially. he is so sick right now, this is how our day is spent.. me in pj's all day, sometimes not showering, hardly ever putting on makeup.. not caring about a damn thing. very very mad.. all the time. been diagnosed with MS in 2000, had a hysterectomy in 93 because of severe endo. and still in pain. he mostly stays in his room with the door shut and moaning and groaning. he cant hardly move his neck. his clavicle is red where the surgery site is so i am wondering if it is back, the osteo. the doc said it could come back. he is running low grade fever, called his doc from 93 and she cant see him because of maternity leave. so i dont know what is going to go from here. i am so mad, depressed, not looking forward to nothing. ever... i keep putting up a front in front of my mom.. she has health problems and i dont want to add. heart and high blood pressure. then come to find out one night ,, that a babysitter that kept the kids when i went out one time when we were divorced, the husband sexually assaulted i am going to say, both of my girls, one was 4, one was 7, and neither one knew it was happening to the other, and didnt tell me until they were teenagers. they were made to be put in a closet and well...i cant talk about it.. i know they have all needed counceling.. my son is pretty well ok, they all thank goodness did not marry any one that is an alchoholic or drug addict for now anyway. they all have kids. and they all moved away.
i feel like i am in a cage.. i cant escape. i feel trapped. i really hate him right now and dont even care that he is in pain, now that is not human..... and i am treating him like i did my dad. i never have a civil word for him ever. i bite back, and right now he is acting like a whipped pup.. guilty acting.. no telling what his liver and all are like. he has pain in his neck, back and all down his legs,
oh and my daughter had a baby in sept. while i was gone to help her, he pawned 5 of my diamond jewelery. they are gone forever. and he can look me straight in the eye and lie out his nose.. and not blink an eye. i have told him to leave so many times, he has no where to go and no body will put up with him.. all his brothers are the same as he is, one is in jail... and he has 4 brothers.. its sad. that mom knows how all of you moms feel. but she detached a long long time ago.. they are all on their own, dont go running back to her,, but then of course i am stuck with him.
well this is what i had to write, and this of course doesnt even probably touch the surface but it is already been too long of a post. but i had too.. i just did. and i know all of you have your stories, i read them every day and i am with all of you in spirit every day. you all are great people and somehow we are all going to make it.. somehow. just today i dont see how.. but who knows how i will feel tomorrow.......i never know........ and of course it is rainy and cold and yucky...
thanks for reading...sorry so so long.. think of it this way,, it could have been a lot longer.. a lot more stories/////
WE ARE STRONG... WE CAN MAKE IT...... WE WILL MAKE IT......LOVE YALL