as i write this, my husband is taking the gf home. i am calmer. i need to process what part i played in this situation, which has been playing out since Tuesday.
If I had grounded him Tuesday, when he tested positive, I would not have had to deal with today. Even if I'd failed Tuesday, yesterday, when i smelled that pot, i could have taken his friend home and grounded him for the rest of the weekend.
but i got confused. actually, i got scared, and i wanted to not feel scared. Taking him to the mall mitigated my own anxiety. taking him to the mall was for me. Selfish behavior. Survival behavior.
i guess that's why it's important to define your boundaries. because they are immutable, once you define then you can remember what they are and stick to them. every time you stick to them, you honor yourself. you're not selling yourself down the river.
I know that this is a big "duh" to many of you here, but it is a revelation to me.
i plan to write out my boundaries after i post this. i don't even really understand what boundaries are--not because i don't know the definition or haven't read the literature, i just don't know what they are for me. i feel sad about that.
Every week, when i go to my alanon meeting, i am baffled. i don't understand how they know that much about themselves. i find myself literally analyzing their shares. it is difficult for me to understnd how they manage to talk more about how the program helps them, than about the addict in their life. i still can't do that.
AA was so much easier to "get" than Alanon. But then I remember that drinking was but a symptom.
Today perhaps for the first time, I understood how codependence feels. To me, it feels scary--like I don't exist. I am struggling for words--bear with me. I think i thought that if my son was okay, i was okay. And what does okay mean? For my son, it means, "normal." For me, it means, "safe." But what is "normal?" What is "safe"?
But my son doesn't have to be okay for me to be okay. In fact, that thinking has hurt us both.
I can see that I've been codependent in past relationships, but not with addicts or alcoholics. I've been fortunate that way. When you're codependent with your own kid, it feels shameful. Parenting is supposed to come naturally. It never has, for me. I think too much, talk too much--I have never just "acted like a parent." And now I can see that maybe he felt stronger than me. I always felt stronger than my mother. My contempt for her made her wilt. And my son's contempt for me has done the same.
If I had recognized my codependence earlier, set strong boundaries, not felt the need to fix and control and lecture and make sure he was "okay"--for me!--maybe he would be more independent. i surely would have saved myself much anguish.
The thing that most convinced me of my codependence today was that--even though i had been angry at my son--i was worried about whether he and his girlfriend were bored. I felt like I had to entertain them. Even I can see that this is diseased thinking.
Man, I have a lot to learn. Not him. Me. I never again want to feel the way I did today.
Your support has been a blessing today.