Wow. I am leaving tomorrow morning. I am coming home. And for the first time I can honestly say it is my home. Yes home is where the heart is and take it from me my heart has been all over the place the last few years. This homecoming is not just a physical coming home. I am not the same. I have changed. I have grown. Am I scared? Yes most definitely. But one thing I know for sure- Regardless of my ex moving to my hometown (which I believe was manipulative on his part) it is my home. And I will take it back for myself.
Here is what I believe. Had I not come to the conclusion that my ex could no longer be a part of my life, I would have cycled in and out of this for years or maybe for a lifetime with a few good moments. I have been so afraid of the unknown thinking incorrectly all along that he was the unknown. I was betting my life on him. The problem was my thinking. A life with him is not unknown. 3 years of the same cycle proves that. He is predictable. I know how my life would turn out so in a way there is an element of control.
To truly let go. To truly face the unknown. That is where I am headed and I need all of the courage I can get. I can do this and not by anyone else's rules. I am taking my life back and accounting for the things that have brought me to this point in my life. I have feared being alone. I have feared being abandoned. I have feared not having enough. Somehow, even in my darkest hours, I know I am loved. Forgiving yourself is harder than forgiving others. So back to meetings and therapy. This will be hard to do now that he is out of my life which is why I probably need it even more. Some forces in the world are working against us and others are helping us along. I am beginning to see which is which. And I am fighting the good fight. The fight for my life. Happy holidays to all. I'm going home.