Thumper

Dr. Suess quote that used to be in my siggy - “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Oh I don't know. I also used to cry in the shower and actually say a prayer that my ex would hit me or cheat on me. Imagine that? I'm ashamed to say that but it is the truth. I would sometimes fantasize about his funeral. Not killing him I wasn't mad, but his funeral. So I'd be free. I was trapped, not because of finances or where I lived or even fear of being alone. I was quite sure my life would be easier in most ways if we went or separate aways. I was very very trapped by my co-dependency. I was trapped because I was emotionally enmeshed, which is a different thing from love. I really did not see a way out of the nightmare my life had become.

The thing is I'm not sure abuse or cheating would have set me free anyway. I had put it there as a hard boundary but all my other boundaries bent and crumbled so why wouldn't those? I finally got to the point where I put drinking as my 'escape' and then he ran off to rehab and I was more mad and hateful about him being sober than I was about him being drunk. Trapped again. But I was not trapped - a lot of people told me exactly what NYC did (probably she did - should go back and look), and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

For those people trapped in a situation that makes them unhappy - the questions get very complicated but the answer remains very simply. Open the door and walk out.

With a little distance I can also agree with her sentiment that I wasn't doing my ex any favors either. See - while I did not drink, yell at, nag, or even argue with my ex - I'm quite sure he carries significant scars of his own. He spent years with a woman that resented him, herself, that was detached, emotionally unavailable to him, and desperately unhappy. I robbed him of those years just as much as I robbed myself.